The hostess with the mostess

Ooit zal het me lukken, om de relaxte, stressvrije, altijd gezellige gastvrouw te zijn. Die alles perfect voorbereid heeft, van een vino kan genieten voor iedereen aan tafel gaat. Die, zelfs als er iets misgaat, er rustig op los improviseert, terwijl de gasten niets doorhebben. Die, bij een kleine keukenbrand, van de gelegenheid gebruik maakt om crème brulee te maken…

Soms lukt het me. Maar het gebeurt helaas maar al te vaak dat ik het liefst geen open keuken zou hebben, zodat ik hardgrondig kon vloeken omdat ik me weer verbrand heb, iets vergeten ben, de oven niet wil opschieten en de keuken er inmiddels uitziet als de openingsscene van Saving Private Ryan. Soms vergeet ik ook gewoon dat ik een open keuken heb.

Het goede nieuws is dat ik niet de enige ben. Zo blijkt wel uit dit blogbericht van Esther Walker, die het heel erg leuke blog Recipe Rifle bijhoudt. Er staat ook in dat een gestresste host ergernis nummer 1 is van dinergasten. Dat is dan het slechte nieuws. Dit zijn haar tips (voor kerst, maar meestal toepasbaar op ieder etentje):

1 Light a lot of candles. And they’re not just for the evening, as long as you compensate by not having overhead lights on. If you’re into ordering stuff in advance, Price’s has a good website. Just put them anywhere that they’re not going to set fire to the curtains. Place in groups of three or five. Instant loveliness.

2 It’s always surprising how few people have music on when they’re “entertaining” (retch). Something – anything – pootling along in the background is instant atmosphere, especially in that inital critical 45 minutes. I am tone deaf and don’t have a clue about music, but find having something on when people are round makes a huge difference.

3 Attempt to stay sober until you sit down to the main event. You’ve got a better chance of achieving this if you don’t drink anything at all until you do sit down. After that point, get as ratarsed as you like. In fact, see how ratarsed you can get.

4 Think about heating. When it’s just you in your house/flat, it will feel cold. When there are 5 other people in there with you, plus the oven on and the hob blazing, it will heat up very fast, so don’t have the place greenhouse hot from the word go becase people will start fainting and you’ll go magenta.

5 I know it sounds really obvious, but think about where you’re going to put coats – even if it’s just over a chair in the corner.

6 When people arrive, a surprising number always want a glass of water. You can, if you like, just fill a chipped Homer Simpson mug from the tap and hold it out, dripping – a lot of people would think that was frightfully smart – but I think it makes people feel more loved if there’s a jug of water and a clean glass available.

It is also hard to overstate the importance of taking people’s coats and getting a drink in their hands as quickly as possible after they’ve arrived. I mean, without actually ripping off their jacket or running out into the hall with a gin and tonic.

7 At any kind of party, you will go through a lot of loo roll. So have at least 2 spare in the bog.

8 Don’t cook anything you haven’t cooked before. And I mean it – this is really important. If you’ve never made roast potatoes, or honeyed parsnips – or anything else you want to do – use the next 3 weeks to give them a small trial-run. The recipe will tell you it’s easy. And it might be if you’re not cooking anything else, but with other stuff on the go it’ll suddenly be like taking History A Level inRussian.

9 It is perfectly acceptable to buy the following:

– Bread sauce
– Cranberry sauce
– Christmas pudding
– Christmas cake
– Brandy butter

I am the first person to scream in disgust at shop-bought stuff, but at Christmas, all bets are off. Yeah fine, kill yourself making all these from scratch if you like, but no-one will know or care if those things are bought.

Obviously, don’t be a dick about it: get top quality stuff – I can make suggestions if you like – and don’t leave the buying of it until 5pm Christmas Eve.

It is not acceptable to buy:

– Pre-roasted potatoes
– Pre-peeled carrots
– Stuffing
– Gravy

People will know. And they will judge you.

10 Overcater

11 It might seem cool and relaxed to let people sit wherever they like, but actually it fills most people with fear and option paralysis. Me? I love a place card – for dinners for more than 6 I always use them. Luckily, I don’t give a damn if people think I’m naff, but you might – and they do make most people cringe.

My brother-in-law once bought 12 lottery tickets and wrote everyone’s names on the bottom and used them for placecards, which I thought was brilliant.

Anyway, don’t use them if you don’t want to, but at least have an idea of where people ought to sit. They like it – and I know that for a fact because you’ve all mostly said you like it. It’s especially vital at Christmas as if you know someone’s going to be unhappy sitting next to a particular person, you can separate them.

12 Let’s talk about portion control. Yes, it’s Christmas and yes, it’s a time for overindulgence, but at the same time, people like being able to take as much as they want – and by that I mean as little as they want. It’s a bit overwhelming to be handed a plate literally towering with food.

So carve up your bird and give everyone a few slices and then if you can make space, put dishes of veg and sauces on the table so that people can help themselves. People will eat more in the long-run if initially handed the food reins.

13 Now let’s talk about booze. At a large gathering, you can’t be expected to be constantly filling up everyone’s glass – plus I feel about booze the same way I feel about food – people ought to be given control over their alcohol intake. YES it’s Christmas and YES it’s a time for overindulgence, but getting more pissed than you want because your host keeps filling your glass when you’re not looking is really annoying. Especially if you have to operate heavy machinery later.

The vital thing is for there to be a lot of booze available. It should not run out. Ever. What you can do, if you’re so inclined, is to say to everyone as you press their first drink on them: “Please do me a massive fave and help yourself to more drink…?” OR say to one or two key helpful sorts: “Would you help me keep an eye on everyone’s glass?”

14 You probably don’t salt your food enough when you’re cooking, because pretty much no-one does. So it’s really important to make salt and pepper available on the table and don’t, for God’s sake, take offence if someone seasons their food. I am, obviously, a massive snob about salt and pepper. Maldon salt in some kind of dish or bowl and black pepper in a grinder is the only thing I think is okay – but LoSalt in a big plastic thingy and ground pepper out of a jar is better than nothing.

15 Okay, this is it. Here it is. Ready?

Your top, Number 1 most hated thing is…. hosts complaining about their own food. *Tsh*

So when the food is out and everyone’s tucking in and someone says “This is brilliant, thanks so much for all your hard work,” YOU SAY (repeat after me)

“Thanks! Yeah it’s worked out okay. Merry Christmas!”

It’s very hard to say this when in your head you’re screaming “FUCK FUCK FUCK THIS IS A BIT COLD” but you must hold it in and start making conversation about absolutely anything other than the food.

Do not say:

“Chuh took fucking long enough”
“Chuh yeah sorry sprouts bit burnt”
“Oh God this is such a disaster”

Just don’t, okay? Every cook – you, me, Delia, my mum, Giles – feels compelled to apologise for something as they present food and it’sreally annoying and everyone hates it. So. Just. Don’t.

Hmmmpf. Nummer 15 maak ik me geloof ik altijd wel schuldig aan, tenzij iets echt goed gelukt is, wat ook echt wel eens gebeurt! 8 probeer ik af te leren, al moet er soms wel gewoon geëxperimenteerd kunnen worden op vrienden of familie, lijkt me, toch? Nummer 3 is ook een goede. Neem ik me ook altijd voor. Maar als iemand dan een lekker aperitief meeneemt, zou jij dan nee zeggen? Dat bedoel ik. En als dat aperitief dan Ti-Punch heet, uit Frans-Guyana komt en gemaakt wordt met 50% Vol. Guyaanse rum, tja, dan is het ook niet mijn schuld als het eten even op zich laat wachten *hik*.

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